Humor House: Alcohol Troubleshooting Guide

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

Alcohol Troubleshooting Guide
[See related categories: Miscellaneous ]

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|  SYMPTOM        |        FAULT       |        ACTION TO BE TAKEN        |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drink fails to    | Mouth not open     | Buy another pint and practice in
give satisfaction | while drinking OR  | front of mirror. Continue with as
and taste. Shirt  | glass being applied| many pints as necessary until
front is wet.     | to wrong part of   | drinking technique is perfect.
                  | face.              |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drinking gives no | Glass is empty.    |  Find someone who will buy you
satisfaction and  |                    |  another pint.
taste. Glass is   |                    |
unusually pale and|                    |
clear.            |                    |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feet wet and cold | Glass is empty.    | Turn glass the other way up, so
                  |                    | that the open end is pointing at
                  |                    | the ceiling.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feet warm and wet | Incorrect bladder  | Go and stand next to nearest dog,
                  | control.           | after a while, complain to dog's
                  |                    | owner about the lack of house
                  |                    | training. Demand a pint as
                  |                    | compensation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar blurred       | You are looking    | Find someone who will buy you
                  | through the bottom | another pint.
                  | of an empty glass. |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar Swaying       | Air turbulence is  | Insert broom handle down back of
                  | unusually high. May| jacket.
                  | be due to darts    |
                  | match.             |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar Moving        | You are being      | Find out if you are being taken to
                  | carried out.       | another pub,if you're not,complain
                  |                    | loudly that you're being hijacked
                  |                    | by the salvation army.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You notice the    | You have fallen    | If your glass is full and no one is
wall oposite is   | over backwards.    | standing on your drinking arm then
covered with      |                    | stay put.
ceiling  tiles and|                    |
strip lights.     |                    |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything has    | You have fallen    | As for falling backwards.
gone dim, and you | over forwards.     |
have a mouthful of|                    |
broken teeth and  |                    |
dog ends.         |                    |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everthing has     | The bar is closing.| PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gone dark.        |                    |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You wake up to    | You have spent the | Check your watch to see if it is
find your bed cold| night in the gutter| opening time - if not then treat
hard and wet. You |                    | yourself to a lie-in.
can't see your    |                    |
bedroom walls or  |                    |
ceiling.          |                    |

Comments

This reminds me of my early years of having a very close "friendship" with my pal, Jose Cuervo. Jose and I got very intimate at times, to the point of no return, I'm afraid to say. I remember distinctly ordering an "eight ball" (8 double shots of tequila lined up n-e-a-t-l-y on the bar, with a side of lemons and salt! After that, I don't remember much. Just some very strange, blurry memories of people's faces (some familiar, some not) and oddly, people walking at 45 degree angles!!...(I think that was actually ME, though!) I only fell down once that I can remember. I think I was feeling too good to hurt! But, there were many times I found numerous bumps and bruises on my body the next morning that I queried over how they got there! Back then, Tequila = rocket fuel!

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